Mom Guilt: Why We Should Choose Not to Have It
by Dani Hamblett
Mom Guilt. Oh yes, capital M, capital G, you know what I’m talking about, and apparently thousands of other mothers do as well because the term is everywhere, from books to blogs.
We feel it when we take time for ourselves and when we make mac-n-cheese for dinner. Parents with one child might feel guilty for not providing a sibling while parents with multiple kids feel it when they don’t have as much one-on-one time for each kid.
Research shows that working moms feel a lot of guilt and it’s easy to imagine why, but it may be surprising to some that stay-at-home moms face just as much. A 2011 survey by the Working Mother Research Institute titled “What Moms Choose” found that 51% of working mothers feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children while 55% of stay-at-home mothers feel guilty about not contributing to their family’s income. Gulp. So, what’s a mom to do?
While there is no right answer, one thing is for sure, this mom guilt is a fairly new phenomenon. Past generations may have had moments here and there, but it was not the widespread cultural norm that it seems to be today. When women had few options beyond raising children, do you think they felt guilty for not working? Most likely not; they didn’t know any different.
‘Somewhere along the line, guilt crept in and, perhaps not coincidentally, our idea of “what kids need” shifted to the extreme it is at now: nonstop stimulation, interaction and amusement. Our wish to protect our kids from any and every bit of disappointment, discomfort and boredom is not only unrealistic, it is also not doing them any favors in learning how to live and adapt in the world. (A topic for another article entirely!)
Certainly, though, before there was mom guilt there were women who dreamed of a life beyond the four walls of the home, whose lives were spent not in guilt, but in mom aspiration, which brings us to where we are today, with so many more choices than our predecessors had. So why aren’t we happier? Why do we constantly make ourselves feel bad about our choices?
The first thing we need to realize in overcoming mom guilt is that it is completely our own creation. I can guarantee you that your kid has never thought, “Geez, when is Mom going to make that recipe she pinned for those rice krispy treats shaped like apples?” We are the ones who are constantly looking around and comparing. We are the ones who create a vision of what kind of parent we should be, then berate ourselves for not being it. Honestly, the kids don’t know the difference.
Instead of dishing out the usual advice, “take time for you” or “don’t strive for perfection,” I’m proposing a whole new way of thinking– let’s call it Reality Parenting. For two reasons–first, it is based in reality, as in what’s realistic for your family in terms of time, finances, etc., and second, because you may not realize, but you get to create the reality for your children. Whatever you decide to do or not do, be it work or breastfeed or not, or order pizza once a week or make only homemade meals, that’s going to be their childhood, their story.
Children are not dwelling on the what-ifs and I-wish-I-hads. They will remember camping in the backyard, not the Disney World vacation you had originally imagined before you realized that a work deadline would inhibit travel. The kids will remember The Time Dad Burned The Chocolate Chip Cookies, not the snowman-shaped sandwiches you bookmarked that you keep forgetting to make. They’ll remember playing Uno around the table, not that one Saturday that mom was off by herself getting a pedicure and reading magazines in peace at the bookstore.
Working, staying home, going to the gym, having your own hobbies, whatever you do, do it confidently and without guilt. You’re setting an example for what an adult with a healthy self-concept looks like, and that’s what your kids will remember.
