Teaching Patience

by Dani Hamblett

When we first brought, our baby boy home from the hospital, my husband and I would do everything in our power to minimize moments of crying. Lucky for us he was a very laid-back little guy, but there were still times, like middle of the night diaper changes, where I found myself rushing so much to get him through his displeasure it felt like MacGyver working on a ticking bomb – the red or the blue wire?! HURRY, lives depend on this!

And then I read Pamela Druckerman’s book Bringing Up Bebe, namely the parts about the French idea of delayed gratification, or taking a “pause” before going to the assistance of your baby or child. (Common sense should be used; clearly a hurt child would be an exception.) One aspect of the French method, according to Druckerman, is to treat children as though they are capable of sitting patiently and waiting for their meal in a restaurant, just like the grownups do. Americans, on the other hand, are opening a pack of crackers or pulling Cheerios from their bags to offer baby before the drinks are even brought.

The French families that were observed and interviewed by Druckerman also yielded another difference from what she felt was an American norm in bedtime routines. In the book, Druckerman states that she never attended a French dinner party where the hosts left the table to tend to small children that wouldn’t go to bed; they were merely put in bed at the appointed time and their parents carried on with their evening. The parents didn’t think of this as selfish or inhumane, the children had their time during the day and the evenings are for adults – simple as that.

So what can parents do to foster patience in their children? According to the Scholastic website, one way is to model patience. After all, littles are always watching and learning from us. Another strategy is to help them visualize time with the help of an egg timer, which could be fun for toddlers but wouldn’t work for smaller babies.

One method I read that I particularly liked was to troubleshoot ways to pass the time, “What should we do while we wait, look at this book?” An old-fashioned game of I Spy or something similar would be my preference over offering up electronic entertainment, as well.

While researching this article I had a memory of a friend whose first grader interrupted her mother and I talking in order to ask something. My friend calmly explained that she was talking to Miss Dani and it would be just a minute, and carried on with what she was saying. When she was done, she turned to her daughter and said, “OK, now it’s your turn.” Who says there is no hope for Americans? That’s one that I’m going to save for future use.

I don’t have any French friends with whom to compare methods, but I can say that most of my American friends (maybe not the one mentioned above) don’t think of their kids as possessing great patience, and therefore don’t treat them as such. So maybe the answer is just to change our expectations and the behavior will follow. I can’t say for sure whether the result will be a more patient child. I’ll just have to wait and see.

Tips on Teaching Patience

Start working on “delaying gratification” for short periods at first and gradually make them longer
Be specific about time, which can be vague for children (example: “wait 2 minutes”) and then be sure to follow through
Use stuffed animals or toys to make up stories about patience
Instead of dropping what you are doing to attend to a request, offer another idea that they can do on their own until Mom or Dad is finished
When you do give them your attention, do so without distractions (i.e. looking at your phone or the TV) so that they get the full value of being patient