The Trick of Learning From a Loss
by Roger Sheppard
What does someone mean when you hear him say to his child: “You need to learn how to lose!” How can losing ever be a benefit in a youngster’s life? I must confess that throughout my life of competition, I have lost many times. I have lost games, and I have lost interest as well as confidence in my own self. There is a vast difference between the mind of an adult and that of a child regarding a loss. It is this difference that makes the focus of this article.
Remember that losing is never a desired choice, but the lessons gained from the loss will often have a better outcome than winning. Stick with me here and don’t get the idea that I like to lose. I also never plan to lose to teach a lesson. Life will always be cluttered with loss and the sooner a child can learn the proper way to deal with it, the better. I have always been thankful for both examples to point out to my children.
I can remember my youngest daughter playing for Baylor University in volleyball. She was the only freshman on the team and was forced by injury into the battle against SMU in the finals of the SMU tournament. She had very limited opportunity in practice to develop timing with the outside hitters and found it most difficult to put the ball on the spot at the net. The players were extremely competitive and expected perfection.
What she found was the unwillingness of the outside players to adjust to her sets. They blamed her completely for the loss. The coach did little to support her as he more or less blamed her, too. Seeing how upset she was after the game, I demanded that she ride home with my wife and me so I could try and work with what was a defeated attitude. What we concluded after 197 miles of discussion was that the loss was a combination of failures on all the participants. The loss eventually brought everyone together to discuss what could be done to improve the outlook of the team.
The sting of the loss never went away, but the benefits of the meetings that followed had great results for the rest of the season. What I tried to do was organize a plan to turn a hurtful loss into a positive with lasting benefits. I could have blamed the coach and blasted the program, creating animosity and continued struggle. I wanted my daughter to understand that things were not always going to go as expected or planned.
Parents can either contribute to the problem by berating the coaches and officials or they can offer a proper attitude by teaching the proper way to lose. Accepting a loss is not giving up unless the loss comes from quitting or failing to perform. The attitude to promote is to never give up or give in.
Play to your best ability and recognize that some teams or individuals are just better. The challenge to improve and become the best is the goal. A supportive parent that handles loss as a lesson to get better will shorten the child’s time in reaching the goal.
Do not make the mistake of living your career through your children. Let them claim the victory and help reason them through the loss. Understanding the trick and executing it to perfection will get you a standing ovation in the stadium of life. Remember, as a parent, you will spend a lifetime helping, and it starts all over with the grandchildren.
