Don’t Call My Daughter Pretty
It’s an innocent enough thing to say, a well-intended compliment that would make any mother proud. And yet, I cannot help but cringe and utter a reluctant “thank you” every time someone calls my 2-year-old daughter “pretty.”
My reaction probably seems extreme, particularly coming from someone who spent the better part of her high school years parading across a stage in an evening gown as a beauty pageant contestant. Much of that time was spent trying to get people to see me as pretty, so why would it bother me for my daughter to be seen that way?
In truth, I do not mind at all if other people think she’s pretty. I happen to think she is very beautiful (though of course, as her mother, I’m rather partial). What does worry me is the overarching language we as a society tend to use to describe all of our daughters, and what effect that may have on their self-worth. Even if we are not aware of it, the words we use to describe young girls are often limiting and stereotypical, especially in comparison to how we describe boys. Our girls are called “little and sweet,” while boys get to be “big and brave.” It is not that little and sweet are negative characteristics, but more that we are offering a very limited lens through which our girls may see themselves, and therefore a very limited value we are placing on their bravery, and strength, and creativity.
According to the DoSomething.org campaign, 7 out of 10 girls suffer from self-esteem issues, believing they are not good enough or “don’t measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school, and relationships with friends and family members.” The realization that our nation’s girls as a whole are battling a self-image epidemic is nothing new. But I do not believe it is too far off to assume that the language we use to talk to our girls from a very young age influences the way their self-image develops.
I am delighted by campaigns that seek to change this status quo. Innovative toy companies such as Goldie Blox (available at Target) market to a side of girls that is often overlooked. Goldie Blox toys encourage creative, verbal and spatial skills in girls to promote a generation of builders and hopefully close the gender gap in the field of engineering, which currently sits at 87% male compared to 13% female.
Not until we learn to quiet the gender separation we force onto our children through our language do I believe that we will begin to erode the body insecurities and gender inequalities that plague our society.
In the meantime, I do my best to foster in my daughter a sense of well-being that depends not on her physical qualities but on her inward characteristics. She is hard-working, strong, intelligent, funny, creative, kind-hearted and brave. I also do my best to be careful of the language I use to describe myself, avoiding negative comments about my body and my own abilities, because I know I am the first person she will learn these things from.
I know you mean well when you meet my daughter for the first time and you call her pretty. After all, you don’t know her well enough yet to see the things that I see. And I agree that little girls are most definitely pretty. But I hope that is not all you see in her, because I see much, much more.
